Dearest...

To my Darling Zayan,

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry it had to end this way.

I'm sorry I left you heart broken, as you said I did.

I'm sorry you had to put up with my bullshit.

I'm sorry I had to give up that fast.

I wish I could give up on giving us more chances entirely, but I cant.

I wish you never had to ask me for a second chance in the first place.

I wish I could just turn every fight and disagreement around...

Make both of us equally as happy and shit...

I'd wish for a lot of things.

But nobody can have everything they want.

And if I cant have you the way I've always wanted,

Then so be it...

I wish I don't have to be so bloody irritating,

I wish you could just be happy when it comes to important things...

Like when you proposed,

Amelin, I love you....I will never... bla bla bla negative talk... cheat on you...bla bla bla more negative talk... Will you be my girlfriend?

Or when it was my birthday,

Happy Birthday Babe, I love you... Im so sorry for... bla bla bla negative talk again...

I wish you'd understand, maybe you do, I dont know.

I wish you'd be happy.

I wish I'd be happy.

I wish this doesn't have to feel like such a failure.

You don't deserve that.

And I wish you'd read this, somehow... Coz im pretty sure you haven't visited my blog in months. You've probably forgot that I have one.

I'd have done anything for you and you know how much you mean to me.

But everything is fucked up, and I guess this is the only way.

Like really, what else can we do?

Everytime when it felt like it was YOU who was screwing things us for any reason whatsoever, I'd just remind myself that i'm not perfect either.

And then everything becomes fine again =)

But what happens when I'm screwing things up?

You shouldn't have got involved in the first place...

I hate that some of my friends hate you.

I hate that they dont know you like I do...

But I don't know you as well.

I....

Have run out of things to say.

Finally!

Lately, its like I dont have an endless stretch of things to complain to you about.

But im just gonna shut up now.

Coz I really really dontt have anything more to type.

It was the 16th of December...

Its raining.

Its been a really depressing day.

Possibly one of the worst days of the year.

One of those days when you wake up, and just break down and soak your pillow.

Ironically, its also my birthday.

Yay......

The day when everyone expects you to be happy. All because you were born on this date.

Well I should not have been born at all.

"Happy Birthday Amelin! Have a great day!" - Random Facebook Friend.

Yeah, ill have a great day.

Ooh, wanna see my schedule for today?

SCHEDULE

• Wake up all cheerful, have a healthy breakfast as usual, be greeted by loving family members
• Eat a healthy lunch
• Receive calls and texts from loving friends and family.
• Go out with Dad (its also his birthday today!) and get the new phone I want (I'm paying for it myself. Birthday presents in my family have ran out years ago.)
• Study a lil bit, just to show my parents that im committed (NOT).
• Head over to my best friend, Yi Ting's place in tembeling for a very anticipated, sleepover.

Sounds decent huh? Well it was.

Take a look at my updated schedule...

SCHEDULE

• Wake up, fix myself some breakfast. Whatever is edible.
• Ignore texts and calls.
• Maybe go out with the very-so-busy Dad.
• Cry my eyes out the whole day.

Have a nice day!

Progressiveness

Im going to be fine.

Hello, Hi, How are you? Thanks for viewing my blog post as you are probably the only one who's reading this and probably the last one who is going to read this as I am going to delete my blog, or just not post here ever again.

Ive been living a dull life lately, its been a while since I had fun, so im practically emotionless, but I guess things will change by next Wednesday, im getting OUTTA HERE! (Kuantan) Seremban, Alor Star and Penang (hopefully) is awaiting me.

Something has been irritating me lately. Its all those stupid saying on facebook that are ramming facts about girls into the heads of male kinds making them think that it applies to all girls. But in my case, it doesnt. Ive been wanting to blog this for a long time.

I hate those stupid boy girl conversations thats basically EVERYWHERE on facebook, and I hate romance movies. Hate em, hate em, HATE EM.

Im gonna get back to the reason why im writing this post and start with a few girly facts that I completely disagree on.

1) When a girl says 'Im cold.', she wants you to hold her.
- When I say i'm cold, all im saying is that i'm cold. Im complaining, thats it. Or im just saying something to break the cold silence. You dont have to touch me at my arms, you dont have to touch me at my thighs. You dont have to touch me.

2) When a girl says 'Sure, go ahead', you probably shouldn't do it.
- When I say 'Sure, go ahead' you can go ahead and do it. No hard feelings whatsoever.

3) When a girl says 'Its fine' you are fucked.
- When I say 'Its fine', I really do mean it. Dont drag it on anymore.

4) When a girl says 'Im not upset', she is upset.
- I said i'm not upset. I am not upset.

5) When a girl says that she is ugly, she expects you to disagree with her.
- When I say that i'm ugly, it would make my day if you would just agree with me so that I do not have to be unsure of myself.

6) For a girl, yes = no and no = in no hells way.
- For a hopeless excuse for a girl like Amelin, yes = yes and no= definitely not and maybe = no.

7) Girls really do not like it when you play videogames and would rather your spend time with her instead.
- I honestly cant be bothered, I have a life of my own and better things to do then hang around and beg someone to stop doing something just to hang out with me. Ill hang out with someone else, and get back to you when i'm free. And If you aren't free when i'm free, well, tough. Ill go back to doing what I like doing.

Argh fuck this shit. Ive got accounts to study for.

Honestly, to whoever is reading this, right now (5:14 pm), 3rd November 2011, im a lifeless, feelingless bitch. I havent listened to music in days except techno music and I havent wrote crap, played music, laughed, for some time now. Im not complaining, juts notifying and indirectly explaining.

Im not always pissed, dont take me wrong, ive just been more pissed than I have been happy lately and as long as it isnt affecting you, I suggest you to stay out of it, and let me be. Im FINE.

Deuces.

I dont have an effin title.

"Its like you cant even breathe when you are under it." - Enni

The few things I love about myself!

A post I can smile at, for those crappy days when I dont want to be me.

1) My eyes - I like how my eyes pierce and how I can scare away people or decieve people or even stirr people with em. They are dark eyes, lined with thick eyelashes and I think its the best part of my face. Best part of my body, for now.

2) My knowledge - Im just grateful that im smart and that I know necessary things. Although, I havent been using my knowledge lately. Its easier being dumb.

3) I like how my nails naturally always look like theyve just got a french manicure =)

And that is pretty much it. Thank you for reading folks and have a nice day. This is Amelin Bhullar saying, its good to be me!

I am intoxicated.

Melanie knew that one day, she whould get what she wanted in life. She had it all planned out and everything was organized according to what she felt was truly right and should be. She waited for that day to come, unsure if she should do something to increase the speed of its arrrival, or to not do anything and just wait.

But doubt had its way with Melanie and she always failed to avoid it. She wondered if the day was truly coming and if she could trust herself. Doubt took over and Melanie was left empty, unsure if she could go back down the same way that brought her to this. Melanie was lost and she felt absolutely foolish. She didnt know what to do next, all that used to be her principle, is now just mere rules created by her to help her take the easy way in life.

She then believed that she was fed with lies. "We are going to go get ice cream sweetheart." her mother would say. After a few moments, she would realize that the ice cream shop was in another direction and her mother was driving another way. It didn't take long for her to find out that she was heading towards the hospital. Yes, lies everywhere. Passed on for generations, brainwashing people, making them believe false words. That was the problem, and now Melanie could blame it on others, an easy way out, but not a solution.
Melanie then remembered her exboyfriend who promised her a million things and got her to believe in her dreams and his. They first started out as friends with a fond curiosity for each other. Then they became comfortable and the next thing she knew, she was in love. She gave her boyfriend her all she knew she should and she didnt receive anything in return. She didnt care, or more accurately, she didnt know. Perfectly perfect, contently content. She was happy, she felt like she had found her other half and that she would be with him forever. One unforgettable day, reality was harsh on Melanie. Reality made Melanie notice her boyfriends lack of commitment, and that he wasnt completely honest or faithful. She broke up with him one night, her dreams and his lies, shattered. Ever since then, Melanie respected reality. And now, she was trying to fight it.

Melanie gripped and clawed at her dress, transferring her anger towards her hands. She hated herself for being so vulnerable to her own thoughts and fears. In her life, there were many episodes when things did not go the way she wanted. The repetition of those episodes left her somewhat numb of disappointment. But this was different.

Oi veyh.... I have no idea what im typing. My title says im intoxicated, but im not. Seriously. Im just having one of those crazy days when I need to type crap.

Ooh you know when Beyonce had a name for herself, Sasha Fierce? Well, I created a name for myself too! PrincessKissAss. ;)

Im not posting this on Facebook, so if you do happen to read this, you are a great friend for checking on my blog without being told to =) Lucky you.

Give me your heart, make it real, or else forget about it.


***************************************
25th July, 1.15pm.

A dear friend told me that he thought that I was talking about myself.

I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT MYSELF.

Do respect a writers ability to create stories of other people. The events above have nothing to do with me. Nothing at all. And the next person who reads another story I write and says its me, I would personally slap you. If I was writing about me, I would write it, using myself as the persona. Tyvm.

Wham! Bam!